sweet clarity

sweet clarity

at once concrete

then like running water

i catch a glimpse

cannot grasp

make excuses

you know every time

i think i should write it down

i should

because i forget

despite everywhere reminders

.

.

.

i still feel out of sorts

out of alignment

with the seasons

does this happen?

as we age and take up more space?

i've heard time spins faster

but i always imagined i could keep up

.

.

.

i found an old collage

i think about from time to time

i'd been looking for it recently

thought perhaps i'd thrown it out

in some fit of being a better me

now, in the present tense

i didn't think i'd ever have parted with it

but knowing that some partings aren't chosen

i stopped searching

last week as i pulled into the garage

i saw my old art portfolio

against the wall

by my car door

where it's been since the move

behind it, the collage

 started ten years ago

i'd been wanting to finish it

and so it begins

girl in circles

above the girls it reads: here's to women waging peace

.

.

.

being peace

daily struggle

my children, my guides

learning the lessons of reflection

mirrored by all

last moontime i realized

that some most all external discord

is caused by internal disharmony

and even though i often feel alone,

adrift, out to sea with no anchor

it is up to no one but me to reel myself back

again

and again

learning to ride the waves

and kiss the tide

the reluctant gift of self-reliance

.........................................................................................................

new beginnings + name-your-own-price art sale

i decided to take part in a blog circle with some of my fellow "flying sisters" and this month's theme is new beginnings. it reminded me of a journal i have, actually titled new beginnings.

i was never crazy about the cover but was drawn to it because each page contains quotes by various people of esteem. according to what i'd written in it in 2004, it was to be my "therapy journal" at the suggestion of a friend. in reflection, it was a great fit since it was a time of new beginnings (awesome papa and i had just started dating) and well, writing things down has always been my go-to form of therapy.

on the title page of this journal i'd also written the following:
how do i write the story and not become it?

that question and the accompanying fear and worry has always been at the heart of what's stopped me but now i'm no longer willing to let it get in the way. in the light, it's a silly fear anyway because the truth is simple.

i am the story.

as i mentioned in my last blog post i am writing a memoir and today, as i reflect on how long i've wanted to write and how long i've said it would be a work of fiction, i step into an empowering place, no longer shying away from my truth.

flipping through this old journal, i am reminded of why i've long identified as a girl in circles. i believe that every moment is another chance, a literal new beginning, yet so many cycles (circles, or more likely, spirals) repeat themselves until the lessons are learned or no longer needed and sometimes beginnings and endings are quite muddled things. on this healing path, i see the new beginnings unfold but am also grateful for the breadcrumbs, the clues from the past that remind me of what is essential.

i've been thinking a lot about the memoir retreat i mentioned in my last post, as well. when i said i was open to a financial windfall that wasn't to say that i'm not willing to work for it. part of me thinks anxiety would get the best of me, part of me worries that there's not enough time to come up with the funds and it would be very easy for me to chicken out, and then part of me also thinks about what i could better use that money for, not because it feels selfish, per se, but because there are other things i want to do for and with my family. the truth is, the material for my memoir is there but i don't know if i'm ready to do something this big, however, i'm open to it and while the thought of extra-work makes my winter-weary self even more exhausted, i do have a large body of work completed already.

i also see the evolution my artwork has taken over the last year and the new stuff i'm working on excites me like never before and i'd like to make more room for that - so in the spirit of new beginnings (and the possibility of going on retreat) i'd like to announce a name-your-own-price art sale!

i've got several originals in my shop and plan on listing some new stuff in the next week, so take a look! local folks can contact me about a studio tour and if there's something you've been eyeing, now just might be your chance to take it home! you can email me with offers at valeriblossom (@) gmail (dot) com or message me through my FB art page. i will accept all reasonable offers and likely a few unreasonable ones, as well ♥.♥

you only grow by coming to the end of something

and by beginning something else.

-john irving

as mentioned earlier, today i am part of another kind of circle, and you can follow along with us by next visiting debi's blog (click on her name) and seeing what she has to say about beginnings in the new year.
 

in gratitude,
 

valeri

the girl's in circles again

circles and circles and circles again.
the girl's in circles and circles
got to stop spinning.

- cloud on my tongue, tori amos

last week my mind and my heart were very much focused on the circles i'm still in, the cycles i still repeat, the unravelling of it all and trying to make sense of things in a big way that sometimes, i worry, will never make sense.

my husband's brother (his closest and only living relative for all intents and purposes) had a sudden heart attack earlier this week. he's okay, in relative terms. he is in better health than anyone we know and that will aid in his speedy recovery and according to doctors he's no worse for the wear aside from the tiny metal stint in an artery and the requisite dose of daily aspirin.

i write those words because that's all i can really say on that particular topic. it doesn't feel like my story to tell, but it stirred something in all of us. mortality and frailty hitting especially close to home for my husband and his brother - for me, it's just another day. i contemplate the scary stuff all the time and breaking through the fear to actually LIVE is hard.

today, my kids are all out of sorts and have been banished to their room for the time being. i'm once again wondering how artists that are also mamas do it. i can't seem to squeeze in enough time to edit good photos for etsy and maybe right now i should stop trying to build such an online presence and focus on making more art for an upcoming folk art festival. have i even mentioned that i'm doing it? this year i'm doing the folk art festival i've wanted to participate in for, like, ever? i don't even know - i feel pulled in so many self-made directions, lacking focus, and wondering what the point of it all is anyway.

if the point is to find your bliss and follow it, to live and love and cherish each moment, why do i still find it easier to want to give up? if i seriously ask myself that, of course i know i couldn't give up. i never have, i just take these big long detours in these circles so that i feel as though i'm always repeating myself and rarely gaining momentum to actually go forward. of course, when i look at that seriously, i know i've obviously gone forward and will continue to do so but i find it hard to accept the journey, i suppose, when the destination seems intangible, still. what is it that i want? where is it that i want to arrive?

more often than not i feel like i can't do it. there are so many people who have helped me along the way and for that i am grateful beyond words but i still feel like i can't make the cut - i manage my time poorly, my kids don't seem to play well together, they're angry, i lose it, i cry and ask myself why i even bother to paint. why do i try to write or have any interests at all? why can't i just give my all to these kids who obviously need more from me? my motives feel selfish even though i am aware that it's healthy and necessary for me to follow my creative pursuit and have an outlet for my passion and, futher, i'm not very good at "playing" with my kids.

guilt sets in and sometimes i don't think i'm actually very good at anything.

and it's a circle, do you see? i want to give up but i won't or i can't or i'm afraid of what that looks like because what it looks like is me, driftless and wandering. but that's what got me here in the first place - my thoughts are often aimless - my focus is shit.

i want everything to make sense, i want to know that what i'm doing is worthwhile without wanting external gratification and in these circles, i don't know where to start.