circles and circles and circles again.
the girl's in circles and circles
got to stop spinning.
- cloud on my tongue, tori amos
last week my mind and my heart were very much focused on the circles i'm still in, the cycles i still repeat, the unravelling of it all and trying to make sense of things in a big way that sometimes, i worry, will never make sense.
my husband's brother (his closest and only living relative for all intents and purposes) had a sudden heart attack earlier this week. he's okay, in relative terms. he is in better health than anyone we know and that will aid in his speedy recovery and according to doctors he's no worse for the wear aside from the tiny metal stint in an artery and the requisite dose of daily aspirin.
i write those words because that's all i can really say on that particular topic. it doesn't feel like my story to tell, but it stirred something in all of us. mortality and frailty hitting especially close to home for my husband and his brother - for me, it's just another day. i contemplate the scary stuff all the time and breaking through the fear to actually LIVE is hard.
today, my kids are all out of sorts and have been banished to their room for the time being. i'm once again wondering how artists that are also mamas do it. i can't seem to squeeze in enough time to edit good photos for etsy and maybe right now i should stop trying to build such an online presence and focus on making more art for an upcoming folk art festival. have i even mentioned that i'm doing it? this year i'm doing the folk art festival i've wanted to participate in for, like, ever? i don't even know - i feel pulled in so many self-made directions, lacking focus, and wondering what the point of it all is anyway.
if the point is to find your bliss and follow it, to live and love and cherish each moment, why do i still find it easier to want to give up? if i seriously ask myself that, of course i know i couldn't give up. i never have, i just take these big long detours in these circles so that i feel as though i'm always repeating myself and rarely gaining momentum to actually go forward. of course, when i look at that seriously, i know i've obviously gone forward and will continue to do so but i find it hard to accept the journey, i suppose, when the destination seems intangible, still. what is it that i want? where is it that i want to arrive?
more often than not i feel like i can't do it. there are so many people who have helped me along the way and for that i am grateful beyond words but i still feel like i can't make the cut - i manage my time poorly, my kids don't seem to play well together, they're angry, i lose it, i cry and ask myself why i even bother to paint. why do i try to write or have any interests at all? why can't i just give my all to these kids who obviously need more from me? my motives feel selfish even though i am aware that it's healthy and necessary for me to follow my creative pursuit and have an outlet for my passion and, futher, i'm not very good at "playing" with my kids.
guilt sets in and sometimes i don't think i'm actually very good at anything.
and it's a circle, do you see? i want to give up but i won't or i can't or i'm afraid of what that looks like because what it looks like is me, driftless and wandering. but that's what got me here in the first place - my thoughts are often aimless - my focus is shit.
i want everything to make sense, i want to know that what i'm doing is worthwhile without wanting external gratification and in these circles, i don't know where to start.