small shift in perception

this week has been tremendous in terms of highs and lows and here, late sunday night, it actually feels somewhat sitcom-ish in that much has been revealed and resolved leaving a sense of relief, knowing that it will be continued....

i have been saying that i don't need my husband to be my biggest fan or my cheerleader for years. it would be wonderful, it might make things easier, but it's not necessary, and while i've been saying it (deep-down knowing it's true) i've still been wanting it (therefore lying to myself). if i've learned anything it's that building a lie only takes you so far.

this week i had some serious questions to ask about why i've been with a man for eight years that sometimes ignores me and often seems to put me last on his list of priorities. i couldn't understand how a man that i often, truthfully, describe as the best person i've ever known can sometimes reduce me to a snivelling lost soul by what appears to be a lack of compassion - and not just on a personal level (he often acts like he couldn't care less about my art) but on a global scale - world events and giant catastrophes don't seem to concern him even in the slightest.

i used to think he was just so certain of his own good faith that he didn't care what happened to anyone else but he isn't ever mean-spirited which is a trait i'd expect in someone who lacks empathy, willfully.

midweek, it had occurred to me that i was carrying around some pretty bunk ideas. instead of looking at inspiring art girls for inspiration, i was letting comparison get the best of me. it appears that the art girls i think are wildly successful have awesome relationships. i was getting caught up on this image of living the idyllic childhood with parents or other mentors supporting your biggest dreams and providing a secure environment to grow in confidence and love but most importantly i was feeling pretty down about all of their perfect adult partnerships.

mind you, my excuse for doing something i know better than to do is because my headspace was pretty cloudy. i was wondering why, when i tried to tell my tale, people would look at me in horror or suggest couples counseling. over the years i've heard the word abusive twice. i don't throw that word around lightly and i've never thought that my husband was abusive, though, sometimes it seems that he clearly does not see me (or women, in general) as equal.

so most of the time i tell the good tale. i take the pretty pictures. i give thanks. well, okay, i still complain a lot. but really, for me, it's huge that i'm not always complaining, all the time, forever. seriously. this week all of that came crumbling down and i had to ask myself something that i've asked before - am i lying to myself?

later in the week, tracy verdugo, shared a photo of this painting on facebook.

tracy verdugo - a small shift in perception

it inspired the title for this blog post which i was already working on in pieces and layers. when i looked at this painting, the pieces and layers started to come together and what i took from it was nothing but pure growth. there are the underlayers, there is the middle place which is pretty but also uncomfortable, and then there is the breakthrough - the sprouts growing into huge, lush trees.

i couldn't resist using the same filters on tracy's photograph as i do with all of my blog photos and as i did i noticed a heart in the center. i now see it on her original photo on facebook, too.

pure growth and love.

i am not lying to myself. my husband IS the best man i've ever known. he is the best father i've ever known and even though i can say he is the worst conversationalist i will give him credit for knowing how important it is to me to increase security and intimacy through conversation and when he's on his game, he makes the effort. it's not fair for me to expect him to be always on his game. this breakthrough led to my own slight shift in perception - if i think that having a wildly successful marriage is necessary before i can have a flourishing, wildly successful art journey then i'm going to be waiting a long time to make it as a successful artist. i can't put my art on hold or delay my success in one area while waiting to achieve it in another, especially when it involves another person.

i can only be the change so much but it finally sank in...all that matters is what i think is or is not working in my life and it's up to me to fix it.

my little epiphanies always lead to big changes but i know our relationship isn't going to change overnight. perhaps it won't ever change at all. but *I* can change and i'm not going to be afraid of my own power, anymore. my marriage isn't perfect (no one's is, i really do know this even when i pretend i don't) and it doesn't have to be.

finally, yesterday, after still grappling with the opposing forces that make up my husband {i.e.,loving, engaged father, kind-spirited and sensitive partner and also the man that gets up and walks out of the room while i'm talking and doesn't think i'm worthy of a reply ON A DAILY BASIS} a friend posted an article about empathy in couples. her husband was recently diagnosed with mild asperger's and as i read that brief article it occurred to me that there's always been something more than misunderstanding between my husband and i. he honestly looks puzzled when i'm hurt or upset and doesn't seem to understand what i even mean by meta-messages or "emotional messages" as referred to in the article - the subtleties of nonverbal communication seem to go unnoticed.

and then some - but i'm not going to run down a laundry list of my husband's "faults" and i am not trying to self-diagnose my husband nor am i pushing for a diagnosis, i am just accepting and somewhat relieved in the possibility that it's not all my fault or he's not just a jerk.

i was a little shocked to see that my husband displays 8 or 9 of these 12 characteristics of asperger's in adults. upon further googling i came across this survey of asperger's characteristics that gets across the board good feedback and is referenced in david finch's autobiography, the journal of best practices: a memoir of marriage, asperger syndrom, and one man's quest to be a better husband. i took it, convinced mid-way through, i'd score on the asperger scale but my results were "most likely neurotypical" - then i took it answering what i knew or thought about my husband and the results were almost evenly divided, scoring nearly the same on both scales it said "you seem to have both asperger and neurotypical traits." later, my husband took it - i hadn't told him of the previous results or that i'd taken it myself as i didn't want to interfere at all with his process.

he scored only 4 points lower on the asperger scale as "he" did when "i" answered for him.

i don't know what that means - possessing both traits almost equally. i don't know that a therapist would diagnose him with mild AS - it doesn't matter. with my shift in perception, so too has the blame shifted. it has shifted from me to that unknown, non-existent place where it belongs.

there is no room for blame in love and growth.