letting go in order to receive

this week has been one of intense breakdowns that turn into intense breakthroughs, and accordingly, i am revisiting you can heal your life by louise l. hay.

monday, my aunt helped to lift my spirits and gave me a set of wish garden herbal drops. armed with gentle resources, i decided that i was well prepared to start upon another soul-searching journey.

i first read you can heal your life when i was in my early 20s. i got a lot out of it - the chapter on bills drastically changed my perspective - it wasn't enough to change my relationship with debt, but it changed my perspective and i did live three peacefully debt-free years afterward. then i back-slid. same circle. rinse. repeat.

when i started reading it yesterday i was amazed at how louise l. hay's personal philosophy very much mirrors my own - i read her book only the one time and i didn't think it had made such overall impact on me. at the time i seriously thought affirmations were silly, as someone that grew up watching SNL character stuart smalley trying to convince himself that he was good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it, people liked him.

affirmations, while not my favorite term for the energy of our focus, no longer make me twinge with embarrassment. i talk to myself a lot, anyway - i have always written things down, at torturous length - i have been manifesting and affirming the life i wanted before i even knew what that meant.

yet, girl in circles i am, i once again acknowledge that there is a lot of work to come. possibly even more than i've been preparing myself for. i am grateful to have the room to grow (even if it sometimes causes discord) and i am immensely thankful that my body, mind, and spirit are still intact, despite imbalance. i am able to recognize it and finally grown enough to be gentle with myself.

hard girl gone soft.

i was prepared but more quickly than i'd imagined, i was already facing something i had to examine.

i had to ask myself some hard questions about forgiveness. i thought i'd done it. i was done. i operate from compassion and have forgiven everyone everything.

what was this tension? this shallow breath and tight chest? the tug in my throat? i have always been sensitive, perhaps even melodramatic, but i am being gentle with myself, recognizing that being this aware of my emotions is like fending off unexpected anxiety attacks and it gets exhausting. then i wonder if maybe i don't need anti-anxiety medication. and then i remember how i'm not gentle enough to go there because of my strong feelings in favor of not relying on medication. moving on.

i got to an affirmation that goes like this: i forgive you for not being what i wanted you to be. i forgive you and i set you free.

i have already done much forgiveness work and it helps that i don't operate from a place of blame { much } which is a concept that louise hay gets into and that i've written about before. i understand on a very deep level that people can only do what they can with what they have and for that reason, laying blame is pointless. this understanding helped improve my relationship with my mother immensely { with very few therapy sessions }.

hay says that you cannot truly forgive yourself until you've forgiven others. this needs to happen but what couldn't i forgive? there's been a lot of stuff i've had to let go but what was i still holding on to?

two people came to mind. i couldn't or didn't want to say that i'd forgiven them but i didn't know why. the clenching feeling in my throat grew tighter, my eyes slightly damp. my breathing eventually returned to normal and i understood that i wanted so much from them or still want something from them, having put these two  people on the highest pedestals i've ever built.

hay also mentions that we don't even have to know how to forgive, we just have to be willing.

this is good because i have no idea how but i know that i have forgiven before and i am willing to again. i've been carrying these convoluted ideals of these two people for 31 and 13 years, respectively. it's time to let go.



xoxo