August 3, 2012

hello, friday, we meet again.

it doesn't feel so long since i last updated but it has been more than two weeks and in bloggaland, that's forever. in real life, it feels like july just swept along quickly but a lot living was done last month. being open and receptive to lessons and gifts makes everyday profound but life feels like a whirlwind lately. like i'm at point a thinking i know the way to point b but before i'm even prepared i've already arrived and must start charting my course to point c.

it probably has something to do with two big road trips and at least a half dozen small ones. i haven't driven north so much since i was a kid and not the one driving. most recently, we spent five days in denver. we've been home for more than a week and i'm still recovering. i actually started this blog post on monday. hello, friday. the end of another week. the beginning of another month. another year more than half over....

my husband actually did all of the driving to denver and most of it on the way back. on the way there i spent a lot of time in reflection, reading susannah conway's This I Know: Notes on Unraveling the Heart. it was perfect for the open road, since my husband hardly speaks, and the boys were occupied with the novelty of DVD players. in a vehicle. our first night ended with an unexpected anxiety attack in a public restroom. i was gentle with myself and determined that the next day and the rest of the trip would be enjoyable, even if it took a concerted effort to make it so.

it really wasn't that hard, though. the following day we took the kids to elitch gardens - we were all pretty much okay with just hanging out in kiddieland all afternoon, though my six year old and i went on the giant ferris wheel. i almost had another panic attack but i completely re-focused on discussing the sights with him and stopped looking at the old, rusty bolts that seemed to be solely responsible for securing our seat to the wheel and ready to crack and split apart at any moment. there's just something about amusement park rides and plummeting to death that isn't really amusing.

during the last month i've also been contemplating going to las vegas to visit my dad. we had talked about labor day but in the meantime my sister has moved to vegas. the whole point of my visiting with him was to spend some time with him which hasn't happened in at least a decade. i don't have high hopes for healing and don't do well face to face but i haven't sat down and written him the letter i said i would, a year ago, and i don't like talking on the phone, so a visit seemed to make the most sense. as soon as the visit had the potential to turn into something else, like meeting my sister, i started to resist the idea.

upon our return from denver i decided that i couldn't go during labor day weekend, afterall, because that's a week before the art fair and i will be frantically preparing, i know it. it was then that my dad let me know that his mom and brother are hosting a birthday party/reunion in two weeks and that i'm invited. i don't know if i was really invited or if i was an afterthought and i don't really want to go, but i will.

i will meet my sister and see my dad and his wife and his mom, who i haven't seen since i was eleven and never thought i'd see again. i will also see one of my favorite cousins and others, most of whom i haven't seen in twenty years or more.

i've been talking myself out of an anxiety attack ever since i agreed to go. agreed here means i feel obligated by more than a sense of obligation. i can't not go, if that makes sense. it is only fear and anger that make me want to resist, afterall, and in an effort to stop living in fear and anger, i go with an open heart { and  hope i don't cry a lot }.

what else? lots of big ideas and big brain storms going on. i got the deluxe version of fiona apple's new album, the idler wheel... and i'm smitten. perhaps obsessed is a better word and i'm not even ashamed. i wasn't a huge fan of hers, previously, but words just cannot describe how i love this album, inside and out.

speaking of words i've got 1600+ words down on the book. i know it sounds insignificant but it's something. also, i'm painting lots. finishing stuff and starting new or anew. this red ridinghood has been hiding away for more then six months and needed a new face. and eventually, a mask...

i painted this little space boy the first night i got back into the studio after denver and my six year old claimed it as his and since i spent many, many years knitting for other people and not my own kids, i said okay, but there will be more. oh yes, there will be more...

and in an interesting twist, this painting found a home and will now reside in colorado. i'd finished her before i'd found what really worked and didn't work and even though i really liked how she came out, i never did list her on etsy. she has a home now with a relative...

back to our regularly scheduled programming. life and art and kids and if you read this, thank you and happy friday, to you ;)


  1. Been having some serious issues with anxiety myself momma...feelin your pain but loving so much all the work have been doing lately it is beautiful!! Keep it coming!! And ps...go join my mail swap..only have to make one and mail to me to get two cool things back in the mail! :)

  2. thank you! and what is it - a few people have mentioned some major episodes but i think it's clearing way for our new shifts to occur. i feel better this week and i will join the mail swap. yay! i know...i keep saying it but i will (heading over there now, after i get the little one more grapes)!


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