April 19, 2012

overwhelmed + facing fears

on every level i am overwhelmed.

i feel long overdue for a huge, long bout of depression. even though i've made progress, i do still have my lows, they're just over with a little bit quicker. i credit that a change in perspective. to changing. and then sometimes i'm afraid that another bad, dark place is just around the corner.

i worry that all it takes is one false move and i'm in a funk i won't be able to get out of.

this is a fear i have and right now the theme in my life is facing our fears, or acknowledging how much we avoid facing them, to be more precise.

i am overwhelmed because i see such beauty among the pain that despite the pain, i see a life worth living. i see living as something we're not taught to do. we're taught to doubt and second-guess ourselves and maybe even have faith in some external entity rather than faith in ourselves.

it's hard to make the choice to live on our own terms.

everything is so sad but everything is also so very beautiful. i think that's what's sad about it.
knowing that we could lose this beautiful life at any moment is scary.

it's overwhelming.

i started this painting last night. actually, it's not a painting yet, just a fancy sketch. it was inspired by my watching a knight's tale recently. what it means to me, is that changing our {perceived} fate and having faith that anything is possible starts when we change our thoughts. i've changed them, now it's time for that next step. maybe i did it out of order but i know now, as i mentioned in the post prior to this one, it's now time for me to examine my fears.
kelly rae wrote about fear the other day and coined the term bravely fearful. after giving it some thought, i decided i really, really liked that term, too. there's an edvard munch quote in flying lessons that has also been with me all week: "without fear, i could have never accomplished all i have."
it's time i stop trying to be fearless which has allowed me, thus far, to keep making excuses.

i also changed the sentiment in my smash book, just a little bit because part (or all) of the scary stuff is the acknowledgment, confrontation, and release of our fears.

here's to doing it anyway!


  1. Fear is thew worst feeling humans can have in my own opinion. Fear is shoved down our throats..in the news in magazines in our relationships on TV in movies and a lot of people in the world make a hell of a lot of money prying on fear! It has paralyzed me at times, ruined opportunities, harmed relationships...kept me from truly going after what I most want in the world..and for what? Fear and worry is like rocking in a rocking chair it is something to do but when you are done you have gone nowhere. I read that somewhere and it has resonated with me since.
    I'm facing several fears in my life to date..so many yet to overcome..and Val...you have a good head on your shoulders, you are a smart cookie..you know who you are..you know what you want. Fear not..or at least..refuse to let it consume you. That is where I am at. I envy those who do not fear..because to not worry or fear anything is just foreign to me and I do not have the recipe for turning that switch off but I do find myself more now than ever in my life...battling it instead of letting it become me. I enjoyed this post and know that whatever it is that has you down right now will turn around. I tell this to people often and I honestly know for fact that it is true. The wheels of fortune in life ( not the wheels of monetary value fortune but overall fortune) never stops turning it is a clock without batteries and literally never stops and logic tells us that what goes up must come down and what is down has nowhere else to go in constant motion than UP. All bad times and bad things do come to pass.. it is not the load that breaks us but how we choose to carry it <3 xo

  2. <3 thank you for your kind words.
    sometimes it's nothing in particular that has me down but i'm getting a lot better at releasing the weight of the world from my shoulders because that does no good. one of the books i'm reading, "above all, be kind" is blowing me away with insight and wisdom and i can recognize that having deep compassion can lead to despair when one fails to act. having ignored and avoided my fears for so long has prevented me from taking some necessary actions. my mom posted something on FB yesterday and now i will carry this motto with me: face everything. avoid nothing. i'd like to say those are words that describe how i've always lived (or tried to live) my life BUT i have avoided the confrontation of my fears - trying to face everything, not shying away from truth, but pretending that the monsters under the bed will just go away, all the same. i don't think it works that way ;)


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