overwhelmed + facing fears

on every level i am overwhelmed.

i feel long overdue for a huge, long bout of depression. even though i've made progress, i do still have my lows, they're just over with a little bit quicker. i credit that a change in perspective. to changing. and then sometimes i'm afraid that another bad, dark place is just around the corner.

i worry that all it takes is one false move and i'm in a funk i won't be able to get out of.

this is a fear i have and right now the theme in my life is facing our fears, or acknowledging how much we avoid facing them, to be more precise.

i am overwhelmed because i see such beauty among the pain that despite the pain, i see a life worth living. i see living as something we're not taught to do. we're taught to doubt and second-guess ourselves and maybe even have faith in some external entity rather than faith in ourselves.

it's hard to make the choice to live on our own terms.

everything is so sad but everything is also so very beautiful. i think that's what's sad about it.
knowing that we could lose this beautiful life at any moment is scary.

it's overwhelming.

i started this painting last night. actually, it's not a painting yet, just a fancy sketch. it was inspired by my watching a knight's tale recently. what it means to me, is that changing our {perceived} fate and having faith that anything is possible starts when we change our thoughts. i've changed them, now it's time for that next step. maybe i did it out of order but i know now, as i mentioned in the post prior to this one, it's now time for me to examine my fears.
kelly rae wrote about fear the other day and coined the term bravely fearful. after giving it some thought, i decided i really, really liked that term, too. there's an edvard munch quote in flying lessons that has also been with me all week: "without fear, i could have never accomplished all i have."
it's time i stop trying to be fearless which has allowed me, thus far, to keep making excuses.

i also changed the sentiment in my smash book, just a little bit because part (or all) of the scary stuff is the acknowledgment, confrontation, and release of our fears.

here's to doing it anyway!