May 2, 2014

on overcoming. or "get over your hill and see..."

i posted this on facebook a week or so ago on sunday, four days before i started this post last night.
(that's what kind of week this has been.)

one of those people was my best friend, also known as my wife.

one of the reasons she's my wife is because we have come to the understanding that sometimes we just need a break from each other in order to grow, or not grow. we have crossed paths, went our separate ways, and re-convened at several junctures since we met, almost 18 years ago. it's the way we learn things and expand our boundaries. i will not be so arrogant as to claim certainty over events that have yet to happen so there's no way for me to know that history will repeat itself or when or how. for all i know, she may never speak to me again.

i felt an almost instantaneous peace with it all for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which was having just read, "loving what is," by byron katie. plus, some pretty big internal shifts were taking place and i was all prepared for the grand cross and shit. wished her peace, as well, and that was that.

interestingly, i started this post last night and this popped up on my FB feed this morning.
and well, it sums up where i'm at with all that. a lot...

I used to judge people who didn’t want to work on their ‘issues’ and patterns. I questioned their emotional courage, their fortitude, their depth. To be sure, many of us- myself included- could do a better job of dealing with our stuff head on. But, at the same time, I now recognize that we cannot know how courageous someone else is by looking at their lives from the outside. Perhaps they are carrying around so much unresolved emotional material- their own, even that of the collective- that they do not have any energy left over for processing. Or perhaps they are working in the deep within in ways that we cannot begin to imagine- healing their unresolveds, quietly building the egoic foundation necessary to take on the next level of inner work. It’s so hard to know where courage lives. 
- Jeff Brown

just a day or so after the break-up my oldest son comes to me and says maybe he doesn't want to go to college after all, maybe he wants to move to california. i told him that i totally support him pursuing his dreams and all, but he kind of needed a plan. graduation was three weeks away.

he said he could look into a job transfer and mentioned staying with some friends that lived in the bay area but also wanting to play music on the SoCal beaches and while i love a good sense of adventure, i also like safety measures. he'd just returned from a spring break choir trip to disneyland and it's pretty much his favorite place ever so i asked him if he'd thought about working there.

he got right on it and applied. he texted me last thursday: i have an interview for disneyland on may 1st.

then he texted me again: it's in person. they don't do phone interviews anymore.


my mom agreed to drive him out there.

two days later, i kicked him out of the house*.

it was actually a very conscious decision even if it came in the midst of drama, even if i could have just let it go, even if byron katie, herself, might have a chuckle because i'd wanted him to fill out the judge-your-neighbor-worksheet and he was refusing to cooperate.

it was the culmination of 18 years of being at odds with the first person i loved with a ferocity i didn't know what to do with...

i was absolutely DONE being ignored and disrespected and taken for granted while more and more expectations were stacking up against me. even if that's just one perspective and another one is:

i was also done trying. it was just exhausting and letting things go, being the bigger person, not engaging, looked a lot like being a pushover. if he wasn't coming and going as he pleased, he'd ask something of me and if i wasn't delivering the response he wanted, it was all drama, all the time. i'm still not sure if it was ego or soul preservation at work but i have learned to quickly let go of anything that provokes anger, resentment, shame, guilt and all other manner of hurtful things - i acknowledge their existence but they are not invited on my journey to healing and in the last few years the family members i am still in contact with has dwindled down to nearly zero because i'm all about acknowledging and then breaking these cycles, not repeating them (and sometimes that looks like avoidance, but it's not).

to explain further would be far outside the scope of this blog post but the history here is that my son has always felt more comfortable calling my mother his mom and living under her roof (*technically, is it kicking him out if he returns to his grandmother's or here when they get back from california?).

yesterday, exactly a week after the interview was scheduled, he texted me again:
so.....i got the job. i start may 31.

when i was in disneyland in february for the art journaling the magic workshop, i totally envisioned him there. he just has "the disney look" and he loves LOVES loves of the tour guides in walt's apartment reminded me so much of my son and i just knew, in that moment, he'd fit right in.

before they left, my mom told me the only reason she agreed to take him was because she knew he'd get the job. i told her i thought the same thing. i felt really positive about this, and despite drama earlier in the week, i wanted nothing but the best for him.

photo cred goes to my sister @ last night's celebratory in-n-out dinner

all afternoon and well into last night, i was giddy, giving silent thanks, and undoing the knots in my stomach. nervous but secure. some distance is good and necessary. some of us have to fall a lot or from farther heights when we're learning to fly, some leave the nest fully prepared to soar.

i am so amazed to be here. living my word. putting faith and trust into action, with absolutely no need to control outcomes or predict the future. if i have given my son anything, it's the confidence to follow his heart. my first baby boy has his foot in the door, and i am still a little wow'd by how quickly things fell into place - and so SO thankful that he can embark upon his first, big adventure with a safety net just large enough to comfort this mama's heart.

here's to may, which will be no less intense than last month - as we search for living quarters and put in some creative elbow grease to fund his great move out west!


UPDATE: we may have found *the perfect, most suitable* living situation for zach, we'll know by friday. yay! he wants to leave just a day or two after his graduation ceremony so he's set up a gofundme account to help him on his new adventure. every little bit helps and if you can share the link or spare a few bucks, it would be deeply appreciated!!!

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