they're all going to laugh at you

i want to buy a dress. it's not a dress i need, it's not even a dress i'm sure i'd wear but it's a dress i'd like to wear.

it's a dress that i imagine i could wear whether i just stayed home all day or if i had some super fun place to be. the dress embodies fun and that's not a word i use lightly.

in fact, i don't even like the word.

anyway, if i could dress like my paintings, i might wear this dress.




rising international dress, photo courtesy of zulily.

part of me is convinced i could totally rock it but there are all these voices reminding me that there's a good chance the dress will be ill-fitting. if i order one of two sizes it could either be too big or too small, i'm curvier than a mannequin and of course the pattern and color of the actual dress could vary considerably so i may have this image in my head and be sorely disappointed when it arrives. also. there's something about it that reminds me so much of elementary school. so much of this has come up lately in my paper journaling, too, so it's been on my mind i guess - my grandmother used to dress in her own unique way and i always, at once, both respected her for it and was embarrased by it.

by middle school, though, i was like, whatever, and influenced heavily by mayim bialik (blossom), soleil moon frye (punky brewster), and melissa joan hart (clarissa explains it all) i was pretty much striped stockings and blue hair from then on.

but then i went through even another period. yeah, the goth. by the end of my mid twenties i was just so completely OVER the way people looked at me and thought their thoughts. fully aware of the irony that is dressing for attention and also emitting negative vibes, i decided to find my inner hippie, instead, and it was all flowers and long skirts from then on.

so anyway. this dress. is at once, both frivolous and dangerous. it jostles the hippie boho homeless chic look i adopted circa 2003. it says, hey look at me, and not just like i'm stealing something but like i'm a circus clown.

i both love it and am afraid of it.

 

the truth is, people have always "laughed at" me. laughed here also means gawked at, criticized, rolled their eyes, said something mean, etc. it happened because my mom used to dress me funny, because i chose to dress funny, or maybe because i'm just damn funny.

very recently i bought myself a tokidoki unicorn at barnes and noble. i was behind a completely uppity professional older woman in line. or rather, she cut in front of me, since from behind i imagine i looked very much like my 14 year old self, wearing chucks, a funky hoodie, jeans, and holding a wildly happy plush toy and that pretty much meant i didn't count as much of a person in all of her importance.

after she so rudely made it to the cafe counter before i did, my unicorn may or may not have made funny faces at her. then i came home and posted this on IG.

 

clearly, i am a child.

whether i buy this dress or not, everytime i leave the house i am running the risk that someone is going to "laugh" at me. i still don't know if i'll take the leap and buy the dress but my inner fairy lady is leaning towards "DOOOOOO IT!"