March 31, 2013

the night before easter for worst case scenario mom

this easter eve i realize how march is already gone and all those papier-mache eggs i'd set aside for the boys and i to paint are still on the kitchen bar. the only easter decorations about are the bunny ears with cottonballs the kids and i made last night at the bookstore.

earlier i went to petsmart (because omg, the kids could stay with my husband and i could think and ask salespeople questions and analyze dog food because i was having an inner conflict about corn and wheat and grain-free diets) and on the way home i realized i had to decide if i was going to do easter baskets or not. i'd picked up some of those shrink-wrapped washcloths that expand the first time you soak them, the last time i was at the dollar store. i bought them specifically for use as basket stuffers, fully intending to have had my shit more together by now, but that was all i had.

i made another stop for pastel m&ms.

even earlier today, during lunch, my youngest put his head down on my lap and fell asleep. he woke up when we were leaving the restaurant and told me he felt sick in his throat. he's had a dry, intermittent cough and nasal stuffiness all night and i worry because it's what i do when my kids are sick and especially when it involves their ability to breathe.

he only recently started to blow his nose. he used to tell me he couldn't and i thought it meant he didn't want to. cleaning his nose, myself, became a regular event that involved a flashlight and within the last month or so i noticed that his nasal passages narrow in a place that they maybe shouldn't. making an appointment with an ear, nose, and throat specialist is on my list of things to do and i worry that i should have just done it already.

before i can put the easter colored m&ms in the plastic eggs i bought at target, on clearance, after some other easter, i have to prepare the humidifier in his room and discover that it's in my room, where it's been for weeks, still with water in it.

as i'm washing it another level of worry and concern comes over me and the internal dialogue is something like, what if there's mold in it, oh god, are those sea monkeys in that water? how can i really make sure it's clean and not going to deposit all kinds of bacteria in the room? shit, did i just get water in that opening on the base with the big, red "no water" symbol?

i spray some homemade hippie cleaning product in it, wipe it down, rinse it, smell it and convince myself that it will be okay and that i have stuff to do and that i absolutely can't fall asleep even if i was looking forward to the second night of at least six hours of sleep in what seems like forever. then i remember how exhausted i am and how having kids really means you won't ever sleep again. ever. like, it's not even funny how true that is. of course, we also recently got a puppy. a super sweet, super adorbs little puppy that has woken me up at least twice, but sometimes as many as six times per night for the last three weeks. except last night. last night was the first time i slept continuously for 7 hours, in long, long time. before we got her, all winter long, it seems, if i wasn't sick someone else was and i've been working and painting and spreading myself thin and sleep has been last on my list of things to do. tonight it was right up there but my baby is sick. also i have things to do.

it's past midnight and i'm heating up a cup of coffee because clearly, my only option is to stay up all night listening to him breathe so i have plenty of time to not only write this blog post but also do some much-needed photo-editing. but first i have to assemble the simplest easter baskets ever.

having hardly planned baskets for the boys, no, i did not plan a basket for the pup, i just so happened to bring in the little cardboard basket because it was full of plastic eggs and then remembered i'd bought a couple of pup treats at petsmart earlier. ba-da-bing.

anyhow, as i'm filling the plastic eggs with m&ms i get all squicked out because they're made of plastic that has been sealed in plastic bag inside of a plastic bin inside my garage for a year or more and omg the toxins. i'm telling you, my head is crazy at night. especially when my babies are sick.

worst case scenario mom.

i used to tell my oldest that's what he could call me. the safety and well-bring of my children are at the top of my list and when either is threatened or potentially threatened or even pretend threatened, i jump to the worst possible outcome.

the worry is nothing new. it's like, lifelong. i remember getting miffed that my grandmother called me a worrywart before i'd even started kindergarten (even then i knew the truth could hurt).
mostly i manage it. i remember to breathe. i get all zen. i tell myself that everything is as it should be. i take vitamins and supplements, though hesitantly.

i also try to piece things together to make them make sense. in my head i sound like a hypochondriac or maybe a little like house.

this one came from tumbler and i don't know how to link to the specific post
to get over my possible overreaction i breathe and consider keeping plastic easter eggs filled with m&ms in my purse or kid bag, at all times, so i have a treat when my kids ask for candy from quarter machines and don't understand that i say "no" because my worst case scenario brain totally imagines all the snotty, butt-picking, handsy-mouthy kids that use those machines, whether putting quarters in properly or sticking their slimy, dirty hands up the slots trying to get something for free.

cheap plastic seems safer.

1 comment:

  1. Wow.. Okay now I'm not feelings so alone, and like I'm losing my marbles at 34. I knew deep down I'm not the only one who thinks such things and feels such ways, but no one admits it. When I express myself and/or ask, others look at me like I am losing my marble for even saying such things. or I. Get the "yer crazy" comment. Nothing but live, thanks for sharing. Caige aka Cindy :-)


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