as we move into the new year, i want to get rid of a lot of negative patterns, old beliefs, and past hurts. much like the blog post i wrote about my dad the other day, there's a lot of stuff that i don't necessarily want or need to carry with me anymore. like i mentioned in that post, i do think i need to work through a lot of the past and sometimes that means bringing it to the forefront and making it into something as tangible as possible so i can examine it from all sides, heal, and move on.
it's not always easy to determine whether or not i'm ever doing that effectively or just "dwelling in the past." i don't understand how not to evaluate the past but it does appear to be a very fine line between self-evaluation and self-centered indulgence. regardless, i want to stop carrying around the stuff that doesn't serve me anymore.
today i would like to have a clearing solstice ceremony, even if it's not ceremonial and consists only of making a list of the pain, memories, negative thoughts and constricting beliefs i no longer need to carry with me.
i haven't thought it out much...i don't have anyone to take part in the ceremony with me. i don't know if i want to bury or burn these grievances after i air them. i may just write them down in a journal. i think the most important thing is to air them, though. to give them that little bit of life, make them real, acknowledge them, and then let them go.
i was originally going to plan something for new year's but after watching this the other day, i decided today would be the day.
on a similar note, last night i watched the secret. i can't recall exactly when i watched it the first time but we lived in the old house. i remember feeling enthusiastic afterward but also like i hadn't really learned much that i didn't i already know. the truth is, if i'd known what they were talking about and how to apply it to my life, i wouldn't have been in that old house at the time. however, many things on my big universal order form do show up in a reasonable timeframe. my 2010 list, for instance, included a new house and in 2010 we bought a new house. that list also included a new couch, it has for years, and yet we still have the same old couch. i acknowledge that my husband has a sentimental attachment to it. i know that he would rather save or spend on pure necessities and he doesn't think we need a new couch. also, i chose to spend what i had on other things. i had enough money after we got married to buy a couch set. instead, i needed dental work. my son needed new glasses. half of it was gone and rather than leave the rest in the bank and focus on prosperity, it was totally easy to dwindle it away.
as i was watching the secret for the second time so much of it felt like just the right thing i needed to hear at that moment.
i've had two aha moments, if you will, this year. the first one is when i realized that when i was visualizing or focusing my intention, it was as an outside observer. i visualized what i wanted but as a bystander, watching everyone around me get what they wanted. it was earlier this year that it occurred to me that by visualizing you have to take it literally. you have to see yourself doing whatever it is you want to accomplish from behind your own eyes. it sounds so silly but also so easy - and that is the secret - it is that easy - you just have to visualize and see yourself hanging up your painting in a gallery, turning in the finished manuscript to an editor, putting on a pair of skinny jeans four sizes smaller than your current jeans, lacing up your running shoes and crossing the finish line.
i knew this but didn't quite "get" it. the trick about visualizing is that your mind doesn't know the difference between reality and imagination - pairing that with the fact that the more thoughtful focus you give to something, the more likely it is the universe will work itself out to provide, it only makes sense that time spent visualizing correctly is time well spent.
i can't find a video clip but in the secret they show a guy going all out with the visualization. he is imagining himself in a new car to the point where he's closing his eyes, gripping an imaginary wheel, pushing on imaginary pedals and having a gay old time.
it's a bit cheesy and perhaps that's why i missed the point the first time i watched it but last night i was like, wow, duh. so simple yet it took years of similar messages and influences before i understood.
the second revelation/aha moment i had recently was that i need to reconcile all of my negative attitudes about money with the fact that um, yeah, i'd like more of it. my husband and i both recognized that we operate from a standpoint of lack and non-abundance even though we both believe that the universe is abundant and can provide for all of us, whatever those provisions may be.
when they covered this topic on the secret, while viewing it the second time it was like ah, yes, i've got it now. but this time i really do since i became fully aware of the attitudes and beliefs regarding money (some positive, some negative, some my own, some not mine at all) that have influenced me since i was a child. this isn't part of the secret or any other motivational program based on "ancient wisdom" by accident, this is crucial to clearing the path in order to create abundance, even if it's not financial abundance you seek.
another crucial aspect that i've only recently come to seriously understand is that action is a necessary component. sometimes simple intention and focused energy is enough, depending on the desired outcome, sometimes that is the impetus for change. and then sometimes it's not. i could intend to be a sucessful artist for the rest of my days but if i don't actually start painting and putting myself out there, my thought energy wouldn't produce any real-world results. ever.
of course, knowing what you want is important. for a very long time i denied what it was i really wanted. i knew what i wanted but was afraid to say it. since i was very young i knew that i wanted to write a book. i wanted to be a psychologist. i wanted to be an artist. most everyone in my life told me these things were unrealistic or impossible and i was responsible for putting unrealistic and impossible time constraints on myself. when i didn't reach a certain goal within a certain amount of time, i gave up - as if magical thinking, like "i'll be famous before i'm 18" or "i'll be a published author by the time i'm 24" was all i needed in order to make it happen. as i've pared away the excess and insincere, asking for what i want has gotten easier and i am blessed and amazed every single day to see that i have actually been crafting my life to look the way i wanted to. it's taken a while and it doesn't always look like i'd expect it to but it's better than i ever thought it would be.
there is still room for improvement and today is my day for clearing away more of the path.
for taking some additional steps towards the life i want.
letting go is in order and making room for new and positive changes is imperative.