August 17, 2010

coffee break.

yes, i fully understand that it is the middle of the afternoon.

but i just made myself the most delightfully tasty cup of coffee and the sprout is in his crib, being quiet so i can fool myself into believing that he might actually take a nap. of his own volition, even.

he is not awake for lack of being tired. or lack or having nursed all day long. nope, he's awake simply because i have things to do and why nap on such a good, motivated day?

i know this is how it works. it does so at least 9 out of every 10th time i am actually motivated to do anything worthwhile around here, which is precisely why it takes me so long.

now he's crying and i'm mother of the year because i'm not making a beeline towards the crib. other people's babies take naps or sleep through the night, all on their own. without being held or nursed constantly. and my baby is more a toddler than an actual baby - he is sixteen months old - which i know is still tiny and itty and one day i'll look back and wonder if i cherished these times as much as i complained about them, but he is sixteen months old. we're night-weaning right now and so much of me wants to just wean completely. i nursed pea until he was 2.5 years old. i thought it would have lasted longer, but i was pregnant and not feeling it. once my supply dropped, the physical sensation of nursing a toddler was beyond extremely annoying. beyond. i'm not quite there again, but almost. and i do want to cherish this. i do. but i also need some freedom that comes with having my arms free and my lap free so i can move around and do things.

this is all so un-attachment parenting, i know.

he is in my lap now, sleeping, nursing. i hate that it sounds like i'm complaining and i know that it won't always be like this. he won't always be small. he won't always need me like this. he won't always want to sleep in my lap.

i know.

but every now and then i'd like a solitary coffee break.

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