August 28, 2012

i have always been a storm

this weekend i started listening to fleetwood mac's tusk in hopes i'd be inspired to create something for the creative allies contest. it's not happening but it might after i get through the next few weeks. or it won't. whatevs.

and that painting i'd started that i didn't like? yeah, i still didn't like it the next day. it wasn't turning out well and seemed to have nothing to do with the nightbird lyrics and pretty soon it was evident that listening to tusk had an unintended consequence.

it's not done and i'm still not happy with her face and i'm still too serious but here's where it stands now...

never have i been a blue calm sea/i have always been a storm

over the weekend, i also found that notebook i'd mentioned here. it was full of even more surprises than i'd remembered. i've held on to it in it's entirety, through all the journal purges i've ever gone through, for 18 years o.O i think i'm ready to burn, destroy, or paint over 85% of it now.

18 years sounds like a long time but it doesn't feel so long.
i opened it up and this was at the top of the first page...

flipping through pages filled with the lyrics and mash-ups of lyrics from various songs, it seems a complete waste of time, but remembering the fifteen year old girl who doesn't seem very far away, it was a completely appropriate use of my time back then. obviously i wouldn't sit around and write down other people's words when i hardly have time to write down my own, but lyrics have always been an integral part of how i relate to things around me. i don't want to say i can't sing because i think if i had ever been encouraged and taken voice lessons, i could have. also, at this point, i don't quite give a shit and while i'll probably never attempt to sing karaoke or in public, in any capacity, i will totally belt it out in my car and that's good enough for me.

so as i was saying, i can't sing. and reading music is beyond foreign to me. if there is something i may just have to accept that i will never do, it's read music. i tried, again, last week. my brain does not wrap around the concept of notes and yet lyrics, words in perfect harmony and placement, have a way of wrapping around my head and heart and some have never let go.

for years i have been tossing around the idea of purely making art with titles or references to my musical influences. i go back and forth on whether this is too personal, too gimmicky, too...i don't know, cheesy. i second guess myself because i'm pretty good at that and not quite as good as believing however (and this is huge) believing is getting easier. so i updated my etsy about me page the other night when some things finally fell into place a bit more in my mind. today i noticed that i started that etsy shop more than two years ago. i am being gentle with myself as i recognize just how slow i am to act :)

of some of the less depressing things i came upon in my notebook were these two notes to myself.

i wish i was an artist, i wish i was a dreamer
we make choices when there is no choice/and we listen to their voices and ignore our own voice
the interesting thing here is i've been using some version of "i'm a dreamer { but i'm not the only one }" on online profiles/about me sections for probably ten years but only the last few have i understood that wishes are okay things to have but are completely meaningless without action. it is without action that people watch their "wishes" and "dreams" disappear. you know that whole trend of what would you say to your younger self? i never knew until the other day, looking through this notebook. if i could have told myself anything it would be this:

you ARE a dreamer. you ARE an artist. you are anything you put your mind to and do not let anyONE or anyTHING ever make you think otherwise. not even yourself. get out of your way, beautiful, brave girl. please follow your heart and stop doing things for approval. also? stop hiding when people tell you are strong. you are. it doesn't mean you don't deserve love. in fact, you need to be strong in order to receive love in all of it's fierceness.

i don't know if i would have listened as it seems that i didn't really get it until now, however, it is never too late to follow one's dreams. it starts when you stop ignoring your inner whispers and let the wisdom that's been there all along shine through.
don't ignore your own voice ♥

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