April 3, 2011

is it christmas yet?

i feel like this year is flying by. here we are at the beginning of april, signs of spring abound. the trees are blooming. BLOOMING. i mean, one day it's freaking cold outside and you wonder if you'll get to wear your birks bare-footed ever again and the following week, trees and shrubs are sprouting their pale pink and white flowers. 

my husband always remarks that he's so busy and that he'll never catch up and even though i know what he means, i wish he wouldn't verbalize it. even though i know that is his immediate reality, i feel like every time he voices it, he reinforces that reality so nothing ever changes. on the other hand, even though i don't say that sort of thing very often, i feel it and i can just see myself getting behind. i mean, it's already april. christmas is like right around the corner!

deep breath.

this month marks my baby's second birthday. i don't even have anything planned because i wait too long to do things like send out invites. my oldest son is going to dallas with his choir. these kinds of things make party planning difficult, or at least, undesirable. i start training for my new job tomorrow and i'll actually be in training on the day of son's birth. this doesn't bother me, but having nothing planned for my little sprout does. immensely. and (insert another deep breath) it's not even that big of a deal and i am seemingly the only person in the whole entire world that even gives a shit. i can accept that and most likely, the thing i will do is find some small and personal way to celebrate it with just the members of our household, so that we at least have pictures of the event. i just feel crushed, though - two is supposed to be the fun birthday when the child realizes they're getting presents of their very own and might actually get some satisfaction from unwrapping them all by themselves. truth be told, though, i don't even have any gifts for him and there is no way i want any more toys in my house right now. in fact, earlier today i was purging the play room of all the toys i got for my home daycare. it felt so good. my boys are set and that feels good, too. they need no shoes, no clothes, no toys, not even books or crayons or coloring paper is in short supply around here.

life is fanfucktingtastic!

so, i will get over the fact that i am perpetuating my own sense of mom-failure, get on with our wonderful life, and remember to slow down and still take time to enjoy the little things with my two little ones.

i am looking forward to start training tomorrow. it's true that i could keep up the stay-at-home mom gig as long as my kids are home and homeschooled but pea keeps telling me that he wants to go to school and i need a job right now. i really don't want to send him to kindergarten. it was never my plan but i am always pretty open to the path laid out before me and i already tried to homeschool a child that was resistant to the whole idea. i don't even know why my two oldest have been resistant. i begged my mother to homeschool me. i have this fantasy that the baby will always want to stay close to the nest and maybe he'll be my only homeschooling success. instead of feeling down about the entire thing, i am looking at what will really work and pea does understand that awesome papa and i had planned on homeschooling from the get-go but now that i am going to be working outside of the home two to three days a week, i may have to reconsider.

no matter how fantastic life is, it could be slightly easier.

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