March 3, 2011

turned it around

yesterday, instead of tossing my painting which was really only a fleeting thought and not something i'd have really done, i decided to complete it and do a test run print.

it turns out, someone wanted to buy a britax boulevard i had listed on craigslist so i had a really good excuse to get out of the house after my charges went home. not that picking up the test print wasn't a good enough reason, but it was like a bonus to go pick up my print *and* come home with more money than i left with.

the image printed well, crisp and sharp (this is just a low-resolution image) but still, i have to tweak a few things and i'm also still on the hunt for a local giclee printer source but anyhoo, i am pleased with the overall results and will be listing an affordable version of this print on etsy in the coming days. once the kinks are worked out. the most important thing, though, is that i did enjoy the journey of creating this piece. i enjoyed where it took me even if in the process, i completely ignored anything above the normal and customary daily duties of being a stay-at-home mom. i even enjoyed finding bits and pieces of time to work on it, when ideally, i prefer to paint in huge chunks of time.

the truth is, i will do it again.

if i can only carve out time for my art while simultaneously working alongside our two small children and the other two, then there will be days or weeks when our house (or at least certain rooms and corners of the house) go to shit. i still mop and vacuum once a week. the bathrooms are cleaned on a regular basis. i sweep the floor several times a day. i am still doing major decluttering. it's not like we're living in filth and i know better than to let someone else make me feel crummy for doing the best that i can.

yesterday was just hard. then it got better. aside from my "putting it all out there" freak-out, i know that the only things i can control are my actions, my thoughts, my words, and my reactions. i am all for talking things out but it is probably fair to say that i cannot talk about anything emotional without showing emotion. my husband accuses me of being difficult to talk to, without realizing how it also (so very obviously, like a mirror) applies to him. so there will likely be no resolution because i think it's also fair to say that emotions scare some men. this is really neither here nor there but even though i am all for talking it out, in a general sense, i don't feel like talking to him right now at all so it's a good thing he doesn't like to talk, ever. we will likely go along and play his game of "oh, suddenly i'm over it, let's get back to normal by pretending that things are okay now" and it's a game i've been well aware of since i could be aware of things. part of me thinks that in a relatively healthy relationship, one without a dysfunctional foundation, that this may be the normal flow of things without a marriage counselor or mediator of some sort. when two people "can't" communicate for one reason or another maybe they just ride the tides and pick their battles and move one, sweeping resentments under the rug until the day they are strong enough to lift up the rug, shake it off outside, and let it all go, rebuilding momentum until the next time one of them does something to piss the other one off. or maybe that's a completely dysfunctional view of human relations and i'm flawed from the outset. i really have no idea.

i read self-help books out of high school. i took four communications courses while working on my associate's degree before age twenty. these served as concrete evidence that i pretty much lacked healthy role models, so i should really re-read tannen's "you just don't understand" as well as a few other, more recent books on the same topic, since i don't know anyone i could actually talk to about this sort of thing.

if i had one wish right now, it would be that my husband would read along with me.

No comments:

Post a Comment

thanks you for making a connection. all comments and feedback are like little sprinkles of starshine!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...