August 29, 2010

so. hard.

i need some new coping strategies. i don't need sympathy, but a solution.
i am trying desperately (maybe too much?) to seek the answers from within, to come to peace and solace on my own, to be strong and upright and balanced and present. i don't know where i've heard that you should actually never try, but just do. part of my likes that sentiment, part of me hates it.

all i can do is try because i have not yet mastered being strong, upright, balanced, and present.

at the risk of whining, i must admit that i don't know how to do any of those things.

my biggest suspicion has been confirmed and my husband is not only grumpy at the thought of buying a new house but not really, particularly, interested in doing it at all. unless, you know, we can find something priced significantly less than what we are approved for. he'd be comfortable with that.

so, we can move "up" into a home about the same caliber as the one we're in, but a little bigger. or we can buy a mobile home. or we can stay here. he suggested that, actually. we can move my oldest son back in here, he can sleep in the sunroom, i can wake up at 5:30, get the little kids in the car by 6:00 and drive him to school every morning. then go pick him up. the fact that i don't want to do this might sound extremely selfish and sure, if my son was going to a private school or even the charter school he attended in sixth grade, i'd be doing something very similar. but we have outgrown this home. i have never wanted to live in this home. i have tried, no, i have DONE, in this home. or at least, made-do. told myself i was happy. started the whole "fake it 'til you make it" routine. i have. but i don't want to anymore. i want to actually be happy without ignoring my surroundings. i know the whole "home is where you make it" and "happiness comes from within" quips. i know them well. i have stopped shopping and leaving the house every chance i get as a way to escape. i have pared down and made our space livable and comfortable. i know that a large percentage of the world's population have smaller homes, filled with more people. i know that i am a very, very selfish american to think that i deserve anything more than this. and i know that maybe i don't. on a grand cosmic level, maybe this is all i get this go-round.

but can i sacrifice and give a little more? can i wake up my little ones early, in the dead of winter, to drive my oldest to school forty minutes away?

nevermind that the little ones won't have their own bedroom, still. nevermind that i have been sharing a room or a bed, even if only part-time, with a kid of mine for the last 14 years. it was my choice, obviously. i'm not disputing the fact, nor am i complaining, that i was a teenage mother who chose to bed-share but i mean, i would like my own room now, please.

i want space. i want room to store the linens for five people. i know. i want. i want. i want.

story of my life. and again, since i've already pressed the repeat button, i might as well go on to state that i want to know why what appears to come so easily for other people is always so difficult for me to attain?

oh, i'm whining in full-force, aren't i? if any of my livejournal friends are reading this they're probably scratching their heads, at this point (or pulling their hair out) and saying, "yeah, same story, girl. get the hell over it already."

but i really wish, at the very least, that coming up with a workable solution wasn't so hard.

when i start feeling this way it's really easy to hear morrissey's "we hate it when our friends become successful" playing in my head. i don't like to feel jealous and i definitely make a concerted effort not to feel any sense of bitterness towards anyone i know that i perceive as having a better, easier life.

in truth, those people that i know offer hope - however, if i also make a concerted effort to be in the now and accept things as they are, then the reality of my situation has to be considered, as well.

and then. i lose all hope.

despite whatever positive thinking tools and resources my husband has on hand, he generally thinks in terms of lack. i've been there (and hello? still there, it appears). i truly do have faith in many many aspects of positive thinking, though, so i (again with the concerted effort, here) try to utilize the wisdom of the ages and think my thoughts carefully. i attempt to be more open to possibility and less prohibitive in my thoughts. i may be completely off-base here but my husband is operating on the extreme opposite end of the spectrum. all i hear him saying is: we can't afford this. we'll never be able to afford this. the world is scary and unpredictable and there's a reason so many houses we've looked at are bank owned or short sales. if we take this leap right now, we'll end up in the same predicament.

he has no faith in my art, which isn't producing a lot of "income" so i can understand this. he seems to dismiss my ability to run a preschool or daycare out of our bigger home, in order to contribute to the higher mortgage. he said i could get a job because, i suppose, that's more reliable and safe despite the fact that 40% of my income would go towards child care and we don't want our little ones in daycare in the first place.

so i'm just at a current loss. a loss deeper than i've wanted to ackowledge for a while, though i've suspected i'd end up here (so maybe those negative thoughts lent so much energy to the universe that yeah, i'm here - argh! see the conflict?) but anyhow, i have suspected since we set upon this house hunting journey, that my husband was just going along for the ride but fully intended to pull back the reigns as soon as real opportunity knocked on our door. he hasn't been satisfied with ANY home or lot i've found. except the one that he liked, with the polybutylene pipes, which he was willing to put an offer on - an offer so low (to account for the home's age, pipe problem, and location) that the seller's would have probably dismissed it, anyhow. i wasn't in love with the house so i wasn't going to suggest that we offer more, but i wonder if the low-ball offer was just a gesture in the right direction, a way to dip his toes into the water without committing to anything.

maybe i don't really think that. there would be no reason to really go so far as to make me believe that this could happen, that we could buy a bigger house. i watch too much TV and tend to favor seeing the worst in people. even in really good people.

but i am working through this. pulling myself out of the funk and seeking a real, honest to god, solution. i don't think that in a family of five (well, three, if i only count the ones with the strongest opinions on the matter) i can please everyone.

my son won't sacrifice the school-district. my husband won't sacrifice and consider a house where the master bedroom is anywhere near the living room, a house without two seperate living areas, a house anywhere near a busy road, a house on the corner of a street, a house with wasted space, a house with a kitchen island... and on and on.

i think my only path to finding answers, maybe at the expense of being happy with my surroundings, is to sacrifice it all. stay here. disappoint my son. continue to seek happiness from within and cherish my family because they're all that really matters. it doesn't matter what the walls look like, outside or in, when we have a roof over our heads, running water in our (probably CPVC) pipes, and the ability to wear nice clothing and eat nice food.

why would i possibly want for anything more?

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