what i am doing instead of washing all the clothes

just realized it's nearly been two months since i last posted here.

sounds about right. the last six-ish weeks has been wrought with stress,  fulfilling a work obligation and maintaining some sense of order despite a hectic childcare situation and the toll that my working nearly full-time took on sprout, the youngest clan member.

today i'm sad. so what does that mean?

that means i sit here and write about it.

right now my husband is taking a nap. one of those things he does only on occasion but never with express permission or even so much as a "hey lady, i'm gonna go lay down" which would be nice.

when i get upset about it, and rightfully so in my own mind, he responds with what's the difference between him laying down and my watching tv or getting on facebook.

well there are quite a few differences and while i try to see his point, they are completely fucking different.

for one. i don't get to nap. i don't get to lay down. when my crazy work schedule began there were a few times i fell asleep on the couch before 7:30 pm but i never crawl into bed in the middle of the day or early evening and because sprout is an early bird i never sleep in. even when i'm deathly ill like i was last week with man-cold from hell.

for two. if i were to ever lay down i may not feel the need to seek permission but i would certainly make sure that it was okay with everyone and that the adult in the house would be able to maintain some sense of order over the toddler who is opposed to mama laying down because my mind and body cannot even pretend to rest if toddler is screaming or climbing at me and clawing at my face and chest. (side note: this isn't something most men even have to worry about or consider. sprout asked me where papa was. i said papa is taking a nap. sprout said oh and went about his business. this would not happen if it were me in the bed. all hell would break loose, not my husband's fault, i realize, but still a point worth making).

and finally, watching tv or getting on facebook or whatever i could be doing on the computer is not the same as sleeping. it's not. i don't happen to become zombie-like and paralyzed when watching television and i still have to answer to my children, meet their needs, and be available to them. you know, because i am awake.

but what i'm really bitter about is that i want a dog. a particular dog. with a name so perfect it feels like fate.

and my husband says no. he puts his foot down. he gets to make the decisions that matter.

i look at this like, okay compromise means sometimes there is no compromise. you can't both win when one wants something much, much more than the other than one. i got a third baby when he didn't want one. we got a cat a few months ago when he was on the fence. and now i don't get a dog. and i'm all mopey but also somewhat resentful. no matter how zen-like and accepting and okay with things i am, i always carry with me the feeling that he made the ultimate decision on how large our family would be, without my blessing. had we been married yet, i would have had to sign a consent form and i don't think i could have actually done that. i gave him a passive agreement but secretly hoped for a change of heart.

he made the decision that impacted my ability to have more children and even though i was in terrible form during my last pregnancy and would likely be unable to walk, again, during subsequent pregnancies and 90% of the time i am truly content with not having any more babies, it's still hard. like when i see pictures of a friend's twins. or when my mom tells my brother and his girlfriend are having a girl. or, you know, when i want a gorgeous, well-behaved dog that has met unfortunate circumstances and needs new digs. and he says no.

and that's supposed to be that. i'm supposed to be like, okay, honey, that's compromise. i've taken into consideration what you want and how you feel and now i have to magically align myself to want and feel the same things.

i don't even know how i got here. this was not the type of person i thought i'd ever be.

i'm pretty used to getting what i want.

sometimes i acknowledge this as a respectful, healthy relationship complete with authentic give and take. sometimes you give, sometimes you take. sometimes you get your way, sometimes you don't.

maybe a compromise does exist in getting another breed of dog at another time when plans have been made and the planets are aligned. maybe not.

today i just want to be sad and that's okay...i can cry as i fold laundry.