upbeat, yet conflicted

i haven't had much to say lately but there's been a lot going on. when looking at what to do with the kids while i work four hours a day, five days a week, out of the home, it didn't make financial sense to put them in daycare. i have known this would be the case but when i sat down with my husband and calculated this and that and various other things he basically told me that it wasn't really worth it for me to take this job at all.

it was then that i knew i actually wanted this job. i didn't go through a hiring process that took nearly six-monhts just to turn around and tell the counseling service nevermind. i didn't prepare myself for this opportunity as a means to pay off my debt just to throw it away and face the same day in and day out worry and concern and hope that i sell something online just to pay the bills or have extra spending cash.

ideally, i've said this time and time again, i want to homeschool and focus on my art. this is all. it's all i ask, it's all i want. it doesn't seem like a lot but it is. when we calculated out what i'd be bringing home each week it seemed like i could make that much in a week doing what i've been doing, but amping up online sales, either in the resale world or the art world, but there's some magic to the whole game and i don't feel as confident yet and don't have the time and money to throw at developing a booming etsy business. i recently moved my handknit stuff back to hyenacart and haven't sold a single thing. i'm out of touch, apparently, and trying not to dwell on how much it sucks because i have bigger problems right now.

going back to work means putting pea in school. he wants to go. he is excited to go. i am still so uneasy about, i want to cry. not so much because it's not what i want but because i am not a good adult when it comes to packing an inspired lunch every day, dealing with teachers and deadlines and meetings and school supplies shopping and the smell that kids come home with after being in a room full of other people's children all day and the bad habits and rude catch phrases kids learn and i just. i hate it.

my entire family, right down to my oldest son who hated homeschooling with a passion, has always encouraged my middlest to want to go to school. i know, that probably sounds pretty lame. i don't know a better way to say it, though. that's how it feels and that's how it looks. anytime homeschooling comes up in conversation, my mom, my aunts and my son strongly suggest that i just send all of my kids to school, sometimes with exaggerated excitement in their voice about how wonderful school is and how fun it is. my aunts are those people that always use the socialization argument without considering that socialization in school isn't always great and kids socialize all the effing time, they don't need to be thrown into a classroom with 30 kids their age in order to function. i have learned to just nod and smile but when i talked to my husband about it all, i had to accept that regardless of any influences, my five year old says he desperately wants to go to school and my husband and i agreed that we should let him try.

for a minute i was excited because i remembered that this town has a program for homeschoolers that want some public school exposure so they send their kids to school for half of the day. then i found out that there is a certified montessori program from K-2 funded by the state and offered in one local public elementary school. today i found out that the homeschool half-day program is only available for grades 1-5 and the montessori program, as i suspected, as a waitlist that means we probably won't get in. i realize that if i had been open to my son's desire to go to school sooner i might have found out about the montessori option sooner and applied before the waitlist period, increasing our chances but we're here now.

i am really trying not to be upset that i'm not getting what i want but the thought of sending my little one to the school up the street is very hard for me to accept. my mom suggested that i put him on the bus, too, and i just, i don't even get it. i can hardly digest the fact that he's going to be away from me for seven hours a day, i really don't think i want to add an hour or two more for a bus ride with all the inherent dangers that brings as well. and i know, it's not good to be paranoid and fearful and i'm generally not but there is no way in hell i will put young children on a school bus. i have felt strongly about this ever since there was an accident involving a school bus and some high school kids i knew. i was a homeschooled teenager but had plenty of non-homeschooled friends and this incident just always stood out in my mind as buses=danger. plus, i rode the bus when i went to school and i fucking hated it. after a stressful day, riding home on a cold or hot bus with a bunch of loud, smelly kids is just unnecessary stimulation. and yes, clearly, i am biased about school in general - it was not a great experience for me until i got to college. but anyhow, there have been numerous bus accidents in this town since and just last year a bus driver hit a first grader. HIT. with the bus! then she proceeded to put him on the bus and take him to school as if nothing happened. buses are all equipped with cameras, though, so the whole thing was investigated and i think she eventually lost her job.

now, what i say i want is sort of, kind of a possibility. my husband said that he could basically take over the credit card payments and that would be that. why am i not jumping for joy, cutting up the cards and handing the account information over to him? i don't actually know but there are a few reasons.

-i don't feel like i can hand over that burden to him.
-i don't like having to ask him for gas and grocery money if i haven't had a good online sales week.
-i would like to pay off my credit cards as soon as possible and not pay the minimum amount due for several more years.
-i was looking forward to being useful because i don't always feel useful around here, especially during times when i'm particularly unmotivated to maintain a constant clutter-free house. i can't spread out my projects or start a new painting because the playroom is a mess or whatever, but i can escape to work.
-my little boy really does want to go to school. that's the hardest one to accept, and even though i could stay home with the littlest and send the middlest to school anyway, i might feel worse about it if i didn't look at it as necessary. if i was staying home anyway, it wouldn't be necessary.

i am remaining positive, despite my concerns, and not letting this whole thing depress me. if that doesn't speak volumes about my personal growth, i don't know what does!