"this faith that we fake is a choice"

i think sometimes it's as easy and as hard as it looks.
as it sounds.

it is what it is.

in acceptance, in compassion, things gestate. these babies of mine. not the physical boys that make me question everything but the metaphorical babies in my womb, on my lap, and at my breast, forever taking and taking, reminding me of pain and loss.

forever. 
it does exist.

as with anything, though, it's all in the mind.

i want to heal this heart.

i am healing this heart.




but i also (as a fan of magical thinking) wish that the pain would just stop.
that the scars would stop busting open in sorrow and overwhelm.

i've willed it enough. i've faced it enough. i've lived it enough.

i want to be done and sometimes i feel anger because it's not that simple and than i feel anger for being angry and even in the middle of understanding how unhelpful it is to be angry, i have to feel it.

no matter how much i wish it just wasn't a thing anymore, part of the healing process is to sit with the pain, in the pain. to be the fucking pain. and the sorrow. and the immense heaviness that follows.

.
.
.

sometimes i know being this aware and sensitive is a blessing but that doesn't make it easier.

in fact, it's harder.

if those two things exist, you know, outside the mind. objectively.
what does that even mean?

easy and hard are relative. through our experiences emerge patterns and we really are unique little snowflakes on our very own, often lonely paths.

easy/hard, like good/bad, are supposed to be erased from our vocabulary, anyway.

so it is what it is.

a challenge.

a gift.

a burden.

beautiful, nonetheless.

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*back in the day i used to write like this. for me. on livejournal. i used to use song lyrics for post titles, more often than not. i've wanted to illustrate books about lyricgirls and show how sometimes one single line evokes something in an entire other piece of art. but to print the lyrics (even with proper credit given to the musicians, of course) would be copyright infringement. perhaps so is using them as blog post titles but i'm going to do it anyway. just like my lj days, if a title is in quotation marks, it's a quote or lyric. i will always include a link to the artist/song/poem if/when i name a blog post after something that didn't come from my own head. like today.

today's title was brought to you by the lumineers: don't wanna go <3