August 17, 2012


i feel the need to sum up some things, review and move on.

my dad's coming to visit for labor day. i didn't really talk to him but i agreed. i don't know if he thought about stuff or just wants to move on and pretend we didn't have a big, angry blow-out. he said we should be happy for the time we have, instead of angry about the time we didn't. that's true but was never the issue to begin with, though maybe part of the issue was that we were never going to. i was afraid to let go of that expectation and afterward, i wasn't.

part of me would rather be stubborn and mean and angry. if i'm honest with myself, yeah, i'm that much of an asshole. we're never going to have an ideal relationship or frequent enough visits and i'm still sort of pissed that he claims that he moved to colorado to be closer to me. i know i'm thirty-three and should understand his words but i'm like, "really? 'cause an eight hour drive is close? that makes sense." among other things. so many other things that, when i examine them, even on a superficial level, are totally superficial.

who cares? not like i'm moving forward in leaps and bounds with forgiveness these days but in the sense that my only interest is moving forward and there are so many other things happening in the world right now that focusing on anything but love and beauty seems a complete waste of time. first world problems are really, really insignificant when there are people dying in syria for no reason at all.

there's never a reason for hatred or anger to fill up so much space. i feel that's true on a global level but it starts on the individual level. the only difference i can make is for it to also be true in my home and my heart.

at the request of a friend, i'm working on some buddha paintings. this ones little smile does something to me on a deeper level than i can explain. i can't look at it and not smile.

i can smile and still hurt but it's hard to nurse wounds and fester in negativity when you smile. it doesn't mean the hurt never happened and it doesn't mean the scars aren't there but smiling in spite of, or despite, the pain has been a topic in my journals for months. i think mayhaps i'm learning to put it into deeper practice since it's easy to smile when looking at the surface - now i'm learning to smile whilst uncovering the layers.

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