i was just sitting here, trying to keep my anxiety in check and not burst into a complete ball of crying crazy.
i'm meeting my dad this evening, the reunion is tomorrow.
it seems like i'm about to do this big, huge thing or it looks like it's nothing at all and i'm just making a big deal out of it.
except i'm not. for once in my life, before some meaningful event, i have no idea what i'm even wearing. the whole thing has caused drama in almost every aspect of my life, down to whether or not it's "appropriate" that i take my oldest son.
for those unaware my oldest son has lived with my mom since he was 12, except for his sophomore year. when i was pregnant of him, my dad's mother had some really unkind words and even though, in my mind, i don't think i'd talked to her since i was 11, my mom says this is when she wrote me off.
i'm trying to be really gentle with myself right now and i thank my husband for being patient with me, too. i never was so it makes sense that no one else ever has been.
so i'm sitting here and my husband texts me saying he has a headache and it was like another lightbulb going off above my head.
normally when he has a headache i think it's because he's stressed out and not prone to communicating whether to vent or problem-solve. i get all judgy and i used to get a little bit resentful, too. (and by "used to be" i mean, like, just a couple of months ago.) just yesterday, he took a short nap and instead of thinking that i'd like to lay down once in a while without having to run it by the whole household, i felt nothing but compassion for him. i know he's stressed. we just bought a fucking car.
also, when i decided to stop feeling sorry for myself i took a nap or two without notifying the husband and children and it was awesome. in the last few weeks i've even slept in. past 9:00. awesome papa, despite having work to do from home, was nothing but understanding.
so it occurred to me: i haven't been meeting my own challenges and struggles from a place of compassion until very recently. in fact, as much as i complain and whatever, i still try to minimize my struggles so much that i don't even call them struggles.
maybe it's because i never want to admit defeat or perhaps because i want so hard to spin things positively in the hopes that it will have to pay off someday. it might even have to do with issues of blame but whether our struggles are self-imposed is not a concern.
i already feel a bit more at ease than i did when this post began. the biggest inner whisper today is that we not begrudge ourselves. we learn to just be and let others be. gentle and without judgment.