on days like these i feel like giving up. on everything. i feel like i have already failed. at everything.
i compare myself to others and wonder why we can't live comfortably with two new cars and take family vacations and participate in extra-curricular activities and join the gym and eat only local and organic food.
i tell myself that i must really suck because i can't knit fast enough to make a living that way. i don't paint well enough to want to do an art show or another craft fair AND SHOW MY STUFF. i tell myself that i'm stupid for thinking that anything could ever get better than this.
even though, knowing full damn well, that i always think that way and things have actually been much, much worse at other points in my life.
i think that maybe i should just change the name of this blog to miserable mama is miserable. or this mama bitches all the time. or i never write here unless i have something to complain about.
this isn't the image i want to carry around anymore. i don't like being miserable.
but it's comfortable and so on days like today, while i feel good about some things, like actually having a plan to lose those last ten pounds, i feel downtrodden and depressed when i think about my personal debt, which is small in comparison to most americans but, as my husband once said, not so great for someone without a job. except that i do have a job and it's been almost three months and i haven't even doubled but one credit card payment because i have other expenses and don't know how to just tell my husband i can't make this work if i incur other household expenses. i can't just pay off my credit cards in six or twelve months when half of what i make goes towards groceries and other necessities (and okay, a few treats. i need to stop that).
my car's air conditioner is broken again, two months after my husband had it inspected and serviced. the CD player is broken and holding six of my CDs hostage. there's a fuse that keeps going out so i just stopped replacing it and the fact that my heated seats, auto-adjust mirrors and compass no longer work doesn't bother me as much as the fact that having a fuse keep blowing indicates a much larger problem. and there's probably a spark plug that's stuck.
i don't ever see an end to this and i don't know how i'll ever be able to afford a new(er) car and i know that all of this is based on feelings of lack and is completely contrary to positive thinking and i can usually turn it around and start to think in terms of abundance and having to believe it before you can see it and all of those jedi-mind tricks that have already been put to work before my very eyes, making me a true believer in shit like the secret.
but on days like today, i can't turn it around. i really don't know how.
i don't know how to see anything other than where i am at.
even though, mostly where i am at is fucking awesome. i love my life. i am beyond mystified, excited, intrigued, blessed and grateful for every. single. day.
there was i time i never thought things could be this good. and maybe it's just the human condition, but it's a thousand miles better than it was once was and still i want more. i need more. perhaps that's where the struggle and self-created obstacles keep coming from...this inner-dichotomy between believing in the all-abundant universe that can effortlessly provide for every universal being and this feeling that i'm being too greedy and selfish for wanting things like a new car and a trip to disneyland.
days like these i just want to cry because of a peanut butter commercial.
i want to be sad and lonely and yet i look around and all i can do is smile despite my shortcomings because i have it pretty damn good and while first world problems are very real, in this country, i can't continue to feel like a failure because i fail to live the american dream.
i fail at that because i am either too well aware or simply disillusioned (which may actually mean the same thing) to think that any such dream exists or is worth chasing when it's not my own.
sure i want that thing called financial security but i think, most of all, i just want any sort of security.
i started working because i have a small debt to pay. the only way that could make sense was if i didn't have to pay for childcare. i never secured a permanent free solution because no such thing can ever be secure and today my grandma plants the little seed that this is getting old for her.
and of course it is but i just start to question my every motive, wish, desire, dream and ask myself why i even bother having any. back to reality....things have improved. i am where i never thought i'd be, happier than i've ever known, the universe has unfolded for me in beautiful, inspiring, and miraculous ways. i'm not religious AT ALL but i can no longer deny that no matter how cliche it sounds, we are all spiritual beings, all connected, and all creating this whole thing as we go along. and it's magical.
yet, i want to know it will all be okay and even though i already know this, i want immediate, external proof. even so, sometimes i think we could just all be suffering from some mass-delusion that perpetuates the idea that, at some later date, this will all make sense and stop sucking so hard.
however, none of us can know that for sure. we're all operating on some sort of blind faith and of course, that's how it all starts, that's what it's all based on. this collectively conscious hallucination that all is as it should be and will work itself out, in one way or another, for the best.
and it will.
someday i'm sure i'll drive a new(ew) car. someday i won't have to worry that my work/life balance rests solely on unstable or unsuitable childcare. someday i'll stop thinking i'm stupid.
someday being grateful and accepting and allowing abundance into my space will be like second-nature but on days like these, i start down the rabbit hole of negativity.
then i quickly turn around. the only way to let those things become second-nature is stop focusing on each counter-point.
i cannot be truly grateful until i can be happy with what i have and stop focusing on what i don't have.
i cannot be truly accepting when worrying about things completely out of my control.
i cannot allow abundance into my life when focused on lack, comparing myself to others, or feeling greedy for wanting to create a better life for myself and my family, whether it involves money or not.
days like these i'm thankful for this little, mostly ignored blog. because i can let it all out, draw some conclusions, and possibly entertain someone along the way.