May 7, 2011

dusting myself off, rinse, repeat

over the course of several weeks, while experiencing some bumps in the road, i have come to the conclusion that i am too high-strung.

okay, so, perhaps i've known this for a while or quite possibly all of my life.

as a child and young adult i was always acutely aware of how completely unhealthy, not to mention ridiculous, high-strung people appear to others. several family members served as fine examples. as a slightly older adult i took a brain and behavior class and was rather unsettled to learn just how unhealthy it is to get stressed out and to live in a near-constant state of stress, well, it's a miracle some of us live so long. i always thought it was just dramatic effect when TV doctors would tell their sitcom patients to take it easy after a heart-attack. it is not. learning the ins and outs of the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems with a play by play of what actually happens to the body on a cellular level (and don't ask me, if you want to know, take the class or check out this site) made me want to meditate and slow down and never get my panties in a bunch again. sadly, though, life happened a lot after that and smoking pot is illegal.

so while it may be true that i can be just as high-strung as some of my finest examples and that i've previously been aware of this, lately i've become overly sensitive to this unpleasant fact. i am too jumpy, quick to react strongly, and i hold my breath a lot.

i started this post yesterday, actually, and in that time, i don't even remember where my non-focused post was going but it had something to do with how i do all of these awesome things when things are going well. i take pictures of projects i'm working on by myself or with the kids. i take pictures of the kids. i take joy in life's little pleasures. i appreciate my tribe and everything my husband and three boys contribute to the household. i express myself by being as present as i can be while also being as creative as i can be without letting the house go to complete shit. and then? i'm too tired to share any of it. i can't muster the time and effort it takes to upload pictures from my camera, edit them, and post them here regularly. plus, i still have this internal struggle where i feel like a complete phony when i'm all happy and things are going great and i'm in love with my life and my family because it's when things really suck and i'm super bummed that i naturally feel like writing or typing it all out. my logical self knows that we all have these ups and downs but my emotional self works very hard not to wallow forever and always so when i'm not wallowing, i feel like a toddler taking fresh, new steps. it's not natural to be happy and okay and to want to share it. it feels like gloating. on the other hand, constantly bitching and complaining is much worse than gloating, so i do neither. i stay quiet until i've reached a balanced homeostasis. is that redudant? either way, that lasts all of about two days and so. in those two days i've unsteadily worked on this rather boring blog post.

hi. how are you?

see at this point, this very paragraph begins the continuation of a post that started two days ago now. instead of thursday evening, it is now saturday and i was up super early (the older boys and awesome papa went on a hot air balloon ride this morning - pics later! see above: that probably means much, much later, or maybe never). i'm exhausted but that is nothing new. what is new?

i was holding out so much hope and fully believed that i would be starting a new part-time job last month that would sort of solve all of my financial problems but allow me enough time to be a present and patient mama and continue my creative pursuit. all signs pointed to yes, this is the answer, go, do it, find your way, it's okay, everything will be all right. and then.

i have yet to receive a written offer. i have been in contact with the contact person and from what i can tell an offer will eventually be extended but by the end of april i felt like losing all hope and truth be told, i worry that they're dragging their feet because they don't want to hire me, which i know is actually ridiculous. if that were the case i'm sure, instead of touching base with me on an almost weekly basis, the contact person would have already been like, "sorry, dude." so again with the hope.

while waiting and hoping i managed to pay most of my bills last month but the money woes are in full force and i have to see a dentist about my last wisdom tooth that worries me on and off. at times, i'm like, oh it'll fit, it wants to come in nicely and all of my other teeth will make room for it but mostly i worry about whether or not it's going to ruin my molar or the roots or get infected or pop through my cheek while i sleep.

hundreds of dollars in dental expenses? happy mother's day to me!

actually, my awesome husband is currently driving home with a fully assembled 4 x 8 ikea expedit shelf that i just had to have once i figured out that our canvas itso cubes will fit in it. OMG! i right quick sold our plastic itso stacking cubes because, yes, by golly, using that money in return for an expedit is a totally worthwhile cause. wisdom tooth, what?

the playroom will have never looked better. except for when it looked like this....

these photos were taken at least five months ago

we started with just 4 plastic itso cubes. during the course of "home daycare" we ended up with 12.

that was a long while ago. before i even unpacked everything. but it was my utopian play room ideal and even though it's seen various make-overs since, i am motivated to reclaim simple, streamlined space.

it is in our near-future, as soon as awesome papa gets home and i get to rearranging work.

he had to stop and get some rope to secure the expedit since it didn't quite fit into the back of his car and he didn't want to drive 20 miles home with his head sticking out of the sun roof. then he checked into trader joe's to get some pancake batter and maple syrup for my mother's day breakfast request. he even called to see if i had a TJ list for him. what a guy! it seriously makes up for the fact that i was unhappy with this morning's breakfast when i got out of the shower to find that the kids had eaten what i wanted because my husband "didn't hear" me. really it does, even if not hearing me seems to have become habit.

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