December 31, 2009

year in reflection, new year plans

when i look at last year's list of new year goals, i feel disappointed.

disappointment has been the theme in my life for the last several weeks as i examine a particular relationship more closely, so it's only natural that it would spill into my perception of myself.

when i thought about the list, without looking at it, i felt confident. i knew i hadn't even accomplished half of what i wanted to do (didn't paint, didn't go to the dentist, didn't start a regular yoga or pilates or walking regimen) but i felt good knowing that i had started scrapbooking and updated baby books. i did spend more time outdoors but not enough to feel really good about it. i did declutter enough to feel satisfied with myself, but there is still more work before the house is as it should be. i did many trades and was able to get all of our waldorf homeschooling materials from preschool through first grade and i realized that enki education was no longer appealing as our only curriculum.

however, i didn't let the most important people in my life know how much they meant and as 2009 comes to a close, i don't feel that i'm any closer to anyone. the distance just bothers me less. unless i really think about it.

and staring at the lofty list created a year ago, i can't help but think about things.
a lot.

i intended on sharing a positive, happy new year's eve post but i feel that my honesty is a bit more valuable.

i used to avoid new year's resolutions because they always seemed so contrived. just as i sometimes think of thanksgiving as an excuse for expressing the gratitude that we should share daily, new year's feels like a time when people make excuses for not being better, doing more, or trying harder and then set themselves up to fail again in the next twelve months.

despite the negative outlook that sometimes shines through my thoughts, i do still find this time of year an important one for reflection and through that i cannot help but find a glimmer of hope, a ray of optimism for this little realist.

so i'm not making any list of lofty goals this time around. i'm just going to keep doing what i've been doing, believing that small, but steady steps towards progress will make a lasting impression and maybe even pave the way for life-changing opportunities.

and instead of carrying my disappointment with me throughout the day and as i ring in the new year, i will turn it around and use it as motivation. when i need a reminder to take care of myself or to be present and peaceful for my children, or just a small dose of crafty encouragement i will look at last year's list. afterall, it is rather open-ended.

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