platform

earlier this year, i created a blog. after my third and final son was born and the reality of never having a little girl had fully set in.

it was intended to be a place for mamas with boys to commune, expecially if they had always had a deep longing in their hearts for a daughter. but it quickly turned into a shallow review blog (no offense to the many wonderful, and successful, review bloggers out there) and i was hard pressed to write anything of substantial value. i found myself saving more drafts than i was sharing because when i got down to the hard work of writing honestly i realized that there's a fine line between empathizing with others in similar situations and just full on complaining about one's lot in life. as time wore on and i looked upon my three sons, i realized that being without a daughter wasn't going to be so bad, afterall, and even though i may not always get what i want, i always have what i need.

moving on to new and improved pastures, i am bringing forth life to this blog i created earlier this year, as well. i still intend on using the other blog, but it's direction is unknown. because i do not identify simply as a mother to three boys or a daughterless mother, i decided that wouldn't be my focus as i am now taking steps to take my writing more seriously.

one of those steps was ordering a copy of writer mama. i was going to read it from start to finish but after two chapters i started skipping here, there, and everywhere. i have reading ADD because i can only read in spurts when someone isn't demanding my attention, lap, arms, boob, or all four at once. tonight i read about the writer's platform and wondered what type of online presence i really wanted to create for myself. i have been keeping an online journal for nearly a decade and i see livejournal and blogger as two different things, so i'd say i've only "blogged" for two or so years, in various forms. but none of my other blogs really inspire me and my livejournal is less visible. so here i am.

the blog title may one day be the title of a book i write. or maybe not, but i will write a book, i'm certain. i'm nowhere near even attempting that here and now but the momentum towards that goal is underway.

you may be asking yourself, "what does 'kid-life crisis' even mean?"

it is the tug and pull, or the dichotomy, that quite possibly exists within every mother at some point in time but especially when they feel that their need for autonomy is overshadowed by their child(ren)'s dependence on them. it is those moments that old calgon commercials are made of. it is when you go without brushing your teeth before bed because your baby is attached to you and will wake up the whole house if you put him down. it is when you don't know what's worse: the thought of returning to work when your maternity leave is over and not being with your child for eight hours a day or not returning to work and being with your child all day, every day. it is when you're on the phone and your otherwise wonderful toddler is blowing raspberries in the baby's face and stabbing you in the ear with the bulb syringe (or the "booger snatcher" as it is known as around here). true story.

for me it started when i had my first child, at age sixteen. i was still a kid, myself, for all intents and purposes, and i didn't even really like kids. i was definitely sure i didn't want any of my own for a really, really long time. i did not become a first-time parent by choice, but as soon as i took those seven pregnancy tests to confirm what i already knew, there was no choice. though i was young and did not want to be with my son's father, i took full responsibility for my actions and prepared for the task ahead.

of course, nobody tells you how difficult the task is and you couldn't fully understand it, anyhow, until you're in the middle of it. there were times that i thought i wanted more children, and then there were times i wasn't even sure i wanted the one i had.

and now i have three.

so this my platform. my testament to the contradiction that is my beautiful and stressful life. i love my children but for every way i feel blessed, i also feel stretched beyond my means. for every baby kiss i cherish, i am also not interested in playing candyland ever again. i like nursing and babywearing and even typing with one hand, with a twenty pound baby sleeping on my shoulder. but i like typing with two hands better.

and one day i will.

but for now, i write in the middle of the night and build this.
my platform.